My heart is so full of so much.... Anguish, and compassion for the many people I see hurting and in hard situations. I feel compelled to envelope so many with a hug. Hoping to ease the burden just a bit, to let them know. I care, I see, I am praying ( and yes I truly am! so many people say that... yet its just empty words). To let them know God cares and God loves them!
Our Pastor at Radiant ,Todd Huddnal, has been doing a great series on Jonah. It has just hit home in so many areas for Our life. God sending, compassion storms of mercy because he loves us So much! The great lengths God goes to reach us. And uses everything.
God is so amazing! I know what you may read after this will seem as hard to believe as a man being swallowed by a fish, but. My storm has not stopped.... but I am sheltered by the one who controls the storm. I have had a pretty bad week in the pain department, in fact last night It was one of the harder moments. The searing pain in my joints and the grinding of my hip got to where I could not stand. I crawled up the stairs like my toddlers. But something amazing was going on at the same time. I looked up and just said. "thank you God for this pain" smiling with tears running down my face, I said thank you for what it has taught me, for the gift's I have because of the pain. Thank you Lord for the courage to get out of bed today, and that you gave me JOY that comes from only You, that there is hope in you. Lord Thank You for using everything, that nothing is wasted. The pain I have felt in the last 8+ months have brought me to my knees. With trials God refines and purifies, Truth comes out. I was reading Psalm 32 about how we continually confess until ALL has been told, it was interesting in this passage that the writer of this psalm was struggling in body, that there was an appointed time! God would be the strength, would take care of teaching and keeping His eye on me. I am giving some bullets. Read it for yourself and ask God to show you....In the end REJOICE with shouts of Praise.
I have been spending all awake time when the kids are down with God. Last night was so much, so sweet more than 6 hours to myself with God un interrupted ! Had I not been in to much pain to sleep I would have missed a neat gift. When I prayed about all this. God showed me a word picture ..... He is always there and His grace is sufficient , its a gift. But for me to get that gift I had to make some decisions. 1 Get out of Bed. 2 The grace was in His hand but I had to seek it. 3. I had to be thankful for the very thing that was causing the discomfort.... my broken body. But it was more than that. finding gratitude in each moment! For everything constantly.
God always has more blessing in store for us than we know.... there was more than one gift! But there was another choice. I had to continue to walk the first 3 out, then he would give another gift, and another, and another. By now you are on the edge of your seat. thinking this lady has lost it! What now or What is going to happen next?!
Well the pain got worse! But I chose to up the anti so to speak. More gratitude, praise. Then....
I felt as if the heavens opened and just started pouring !
Love , incredible un measurable JOY! Peace and every day I have been CHOOSING and God has been pouring. When you have great pain or tragedy with God when you give it to him, He brings clarity understanding and its no longer God heal me, its God use this for your Glory today. Help me touch 1 person. Truth Gods truth reveals itself, healing comes.... but it doesn't always look like what we think it should. Honestly I am ok with that. I don't care. As long as God uses it! I have had a great time making intentional choices with time. Family, special time with my husband, fun time, prayer time.... Our TV is not on often. God is my addiction, if I don't get at least several hours a day, and prayer through the day, meditating on His word, praising him through the day. My body fails. Being 34 hearing grinding of the bone when it moves is not my idea of neat. It hurts, and then there's the migraine stuff. So I am fed up. My DRUG OF CHOICE JUST GOT UPPED, WITH THE PAIN! I am not belittling others that struggle with depression or even anger from the pain. I truly don't have other options! I am allergic to most pain meds. I refuse to add any other's or up what I am on. I refuse to be doped out, miss out, be bummed out, or cop out. The devil has a fighter! ME a child of God and its reckoning day every day!
3 regular pastors I listen to weekly..... Depression can't thrive in an atmosphere of gratitude constantly, or praise, or love... and JOY from the Lord being your strength. I got it! This has been the most intense, and most blessed, favored, joyful, loved season of my life yet. Trying to imagine how it gets better with God and it is always more than I dreamed.
Being a close friend to me is hard.... I am very passionate with a huge heart so full of love. My husband said the spill over is enough for most people for a lifetime , and someone once said my love was like a storm a tsunami ! Nice right? I am thinking fierce destructive great word pic.... but they explained to a average person, receiving love in small doses is hard. Living in or around a person that loves like that exposes the bad, creates fear in others because they can't comprehend why or how.
After listening to Jonah with Pastor Todd. I think it would be classified as a storm of mercy.... it gets bigger ( the love for others ) the closer I get to God. But like Gods love it is fierce , unending, amazing, OVERWHELMING ... in all the greatest and best ways. But until we understand the character of God that great love is scary. I am ever more thankful by the day for a husband who can receive the love I give and who loves me just as fiercely and wonderfully.
Honestly we are both givers, it brings great joy to give love ! I want to love in more than 5 languages of love ! But when we were first married having that kind of love was hard ! Learning to receive Love and the ability to pour it out are so different. I had never been loved so much like Christ loves. It made me uncomfortable, self-conscience , but it was inclusive, accepting , not possessive but protective. It made me understand Gods love in a deeper way. It is still overwhelming and I cry often, out of great joy and gratitude.
The one thing I will say in that is over the last 3 years being on the receiving end of such a love is easy from God for me. He is God I have learned His character , but to receive it from a human and daily agape love all the time! Wow it is humbling , exposing, terrifying & inspiring. Why you may ask? How can you be loved in such a way and not be convicted! Challenged to grow be a better you, be so filled with joy you want to laugh and weep. Where you truly know every day that love IS going to be there! It is real not fake?! The same but growing daily! Like a fierce storm.... What God has put together let NO man take apart! Wow that kind of fierce love. It war's for your heart! Words fail to express the depth of incandesce it brings. It is truly God given, inspired.......My beloved husband Brent doesn't make me feel like a queen.... but like I am the only woman that exists one look, one smile he takes car of my heart! He is not my slave, He is my Best friend, a Manly MAN, God Fearing, Challenges me, I love that he will tell me no! He is gifted, smart funny, my lover, a incredible father, provider, he still woes my heart. He is my Leader but serves our family with humility and trusts me and respects me, asks me for advice and help.... We are 1 I love to give him respect, admiration, honor in our home, to boast of the great man he is. It is so hard to be apart for just the time he has to work.... I count the time before the lunch call! Making surprises to visit, or finding new ways to bless him brings my heart such joy. My parents might disagree but I think I have a better marriage than they do, I am giving them a run for their money so to speak! They have a wonderful marriage.... I want my kids to surpass me! If you don't Fight FOR love, to protect love... invest in it? What are we teaching our kids about God's love?Marriage is work, for me a labor of great love! I made a vow that every day I would pray for my husband really pray for him! And daily give myself to God for me
and for my marriage, and that I would pray for my marriage! Thanks for sharing with me today... Something so sweet and sacred to my heart, my husband Brent. I love you cowboy!
Living Life Through Change,
Kirstie
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