Gain and Loss

This last year has been the hardest I think emotionally I have encountered in years. Not so Much physically but mentally and emotionally.

There has been great loss and great gain. I have learned some pretty hard lessons of boundaries with people. Lived through several tragedy's in this last year. I guess I should start at the beginning…

I will preface this by saying people often fear the things they don't understand. And that we often times choose to hear what we wish. That stinking flesh is always trying to control over the spiritual.

Nearly a year ago My oldest choose to live with her father. It was less than pleasant circumstances. But I also finally just asked God why this happened and to please show me HIS purpose in it. I don't want to be bitter or angry or numb even… It was a brutal situation that grieved my heart so much. I felt like my heart had been torn out and hoe was I to continue to do even just the basics. I just wanted to cancel all upcoming holidays and breathe again … Breathing is so hard at different stages in our lives.

Then a month after I lost a grandparent that I was close with and we decided to cash out some stock to go to the funeral as even more hard it was my father last parent gone… As his dad passed a year before. I never got to meet my grandfather.

 We decided to go ahead and all of us go… as the twins were under 2 they flew free… Gosh time fly's so fast! All my sib's were there. Though the spouses and kids were not all able to come.
Then shortly after that I was able to connect with my Grandma Jane… As the anniversary was passion got loosing my grandfather. Such an incredible gift and blessing in our lives!
I knew that we had a immediate and deep connection and got to hear all kinds of stories about my grandfather and who he was.
It did help ease the ache just a little of loosing my other grandmother. And being able to learn more about my history in our family. Then We were invited to go to Disney all expenses paid by Grandma Jane! I was so blown away I don't know how many times I cried. Years of sending cards and just reaching out in love … and it was all coming back in a huge amount …. As you can imagine the twins are ALL about Mickey and Minney Mouse! And though they were so little just 2! They remember!
Zoe had so much fun and got to do even more things with Brent and the other family there there ended up being 12 of us all together!
It is amazing to me how much they have grown in the last year!

I was also suppressed how well I was able to keep up after just having major surgery a few months earlier. 

There have been other losses with the impossibility of explaining to all the family what happened with some of the changes. 

We got so much anger and hatred form people. Or just flat our RUDE! I can't explain how deeply it all wounded me to hear the comments in the last few years. An dI just thought to myself… They just have no clue. The things that we have gone through most people go through maybe in a 20 year time span off marriage. Boy am I thankful for a GODLY husband and that we have grown so much in christ over all this as we prayed and dug deeper into the word than we had ever done before.  God has shown me so much in the last few years about perception, love and patience with others who have not had the same life issues. 

We experienced so much pain that it felt like we were dealing with death of one kind or another every time we turned around. NO it is NOT an exaggeration. 

But out of that has come so much Joy! New beginnings , healing, hope and knowing that there are at least a few that understand our hearts and love us. We know our path is different. But we are thankful to be on it. Obeying God is not always simple when it comes to our flesh… But the peace is so worth it! Some of the hardest things… missing my daughters birthday for the first time ever! Sending a gift and card with no response back, no being able to walk with her through high school. Dealing with the after math of all that happened and knowing that God gave us strict guidelines and through few understand. There has been a end and finality to the closure of this chapter, and tho the opening of the next one. Some relationships deepened, other ones ended. Some peacefully or just vanished…. other one not so much.  New health and the ability to be a physical part of my kids lives now that I am not sick all the time! Seeing dreams come to fruition. Building bigger ones! New neighbors, old neighbors, adopted kids in love, adopted single mom's in love… growing!

Till next time…

Kirsite